I've made it to Sydney, checked in (again) and swept through customs in record time so it's back to the story from before.
So after a failed web check in, it was a similar story with the kiosk at the terminal (that has a useless interface) which promptly spat out a "go see the service desk". The service desk told me that I couldn't check in there/web/kiosk because I was on an international connecting flight and sent me on my way. I sat in the international queue for about 20 mins, to only be called back to the service desk to check me in because international was too busy...
Fortunately United were much friendlier only adding further fuel to my "Qantas are terrible" stigma.
The added bonus of "you don't have a seat, want to upgrade to business class?" is that I'm now also enjoying the Air New Zealand lounge.
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